To Kid or Not to Kid...

I should begin by letting you all know that this post is actually inspired by the lovely Kari who posts her own high-larious blog at myinflammitorywrit.com (check it out if you haven't).

Childfree. For those of you who have not heard of such, it is a movement of people who have made the decision NOT to have children of their own. Now, there are a list of nazi-esque rules a woman (or a man, this is about equal rights here) has to follow in order to be considered truly childfree. I call them nazi-esque because, although I have chosen NOT to have children of my own, even though I have chosen to keep my reproductive bits childless, I cannot be considered child free. I recently acquired a step daughter.

Here is where we run into gray area in an arena where the combatants want nothing but the good ol' black and white. Pay attention.

When I state to the child bearing community that my husband and I have chosen not to have children together and, even though I have a step-daughter from his first marriage, I am considered defective. Why? Because I don't want to have children of my own. The "breeders" consider me defective because I choose not to spit the little wiggly things from my apparently starving womb.

This portion of my ramble boils down to the fact that I don't fit into either group. Neither the childfree or the breeders want to claim the likes of me and so, like the shy kid with braces and zits in junior high school, I walk off to sit in the corner, never truly having an online community who will accept my own special brand of breederfree. *sniff*

Either way, both groups are important because balance is key in all things, even this very black and white war.

The above actually has nothing to do with Kari except that she is, very much, childfree. As a matter of fact, we meet in secret because, if her fellow childfree cohorts find out she's been hanging out with me, they'll string her up and label her a fence sitter. I'm kidding (wait, I'm NOT kidding! that's what this post is all about! To kid or not to kid! That is the question).

Despite making the decision to be childfree, there are certain challenges we face as people who choose not to have children OF OUR OWN. Baby lust is one of them. Everyone has their own very personal reason for opting NOT to have a child of their own. As a woman, I could tout any number of reasons: Financial, political, social, etc - these reasons, for me, all center around a woman's reproductive rights. Despite these rights, however, we're all human. We all get urges. It's a lot like dieting. You see the brownie, know the brownie looks good, your stomach even growls for the brownie; but you simply do NOT eat the brownie because you made a conscious decsion not to consume things that would compromise your ultimate goal. Making the decision not to eat the brownies doesn't mean you're ignoring your body's natural purpose, it simply means that we, as a human race, must adapt or die out. Brownies are not good for everyone's diet. We know this and we change our diets to reflect this. But not everyone has the self knowledge to see these things. Some people who should never be eating brownies consumes them anyway (because ignoring our primal urges is BAD!) and then find themselves riddled with a case of type two diabetes, clogged arteries, or obesity.

And baby lust is a little like that. Some people should not have children and many of them don't even know it. They get baby lust and commense with the seed sowing whether it's right for them or not. I had baby fever in my mid 20's. I denied it and it passed. I shudder to think what I would be like as a parent. I have, at 32, so many goals that have nothing to do with having children of my own. To bring a child into this world anyway would be devastating to the life I created. I'm crazy, but I ain't no Frankenstein, ya dig? Even now, married to the most wonderful man on the planet, I think of babies in a very practical sense. Having a child means I am responsible for the formation of their LIVES. It means sacrificing my own life for the life of another (and more so than I would with my husband or any other family member). Opting out of having a child of my own means that I know I cannot do such.

Now, does this mean I am turning a cold shoulder to my beloved step-daughter? Absolutely not. If something happened to her mother tomorrow and we suddenly found step-daughter in our home full-time, I would step up and take care of her as I have promised I would. I love her very much. But she will never call me "mom." I'll be "Shannon," just as I would if I were some crazy childless auntie with an adventurous spirit and a reputation for being too carefree.

Does opting out of having a child of my own mean that I hate children? Nope. I love kids, as a matter of fact. One of my biggest arguments in my academic life centers around ensuring children are empowered, educated, and taught all the intricacies of the past because, ultimately, they will want to know these things to secure a brighter future for themselves. This is a subject for another day, though...

As you may have picked up from my writing, I'm a disorganized train wreck most of the time. But I really do have a point to all the rambling. We are strengthened by the power to make choices. We use our own wisdom and experience to decide if and when we have children; but this in no way means that our decisions are easy. Just as it is not easy to be a parent, it is also not easy to be childfree. Life is about self discipline in a lot of ways.

Life is also, at times, about feeling secure in our own choices. We have fought for centuries to have choices (let freedom ring, darlings!) and sometimes I wonder if our fighting is in vain. We seem to fight for the ability to remove ourselves from one box only to crawl into another. Now, I've paid in spades for my choices and I've felt happy and free when I realize that a few of those choices were the right way for me to go. But I have admittedly felt a little sad, in the past, at not being able to fit in with either the "breeder" or the "childfree" group. Careful consideration has brought cause to feel satisfied with not fitting into either box. To quote ( as I often do) Lewis Black, "We are all snowflakes!" We really shouldn't box ourselves to validate our choices and, thus, our lives.

I will not feel bad for being a step mother despite opting not to have children of my own. Additionally, I will not feel bad for deciding not to have children. Do not tell me in that condescending, knowing voice that I will change my mind. That is none of your business and quite rude to sell short a person's power of choice. On the flipside, do not tell me that I sold out on being child free. The last time I checked, I still have the option to choose whether I reproduce or not. And again, who are you to judge my choices? You be the best parent or non-parent that you can be and let the rest of us work our lives out - after all, we are the only ones who can do that. In the end, it's ok to want the brownie. If you choose to eat the brownie, then eat it and enjoy every bite. If you choose not to eat the brownie, then you have a really good reason for turning it down and it's probably for the best.